I Don't Belong

I don’t belong. I don’t fit in. I feel out of place. I feel like I can’t relate to those around me. Most of my friends who want to be moms are moms. Most of my friends who are going through infertility are pursuing treatments. There are two groups and I don’t belong in either. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who are on the same path as me – they desire to be a mom, but aren’t seeking medical intervention. Instead, like me, they too are believing for a complete miracle.

I feel out of place. I never have any updates. My update is that I’m still not pregnant. I started this blog to document our infertility journey, but besides an occasional annual blood test here or there, I don’t have anything fertility related to share. We aren’t seeing any doctors. I’m not taking any shots or drugs. I don’t have any blood draws or treatments. I don’t track my cycles. I’m not charting. I’m not doing anything that I should be doing to get pregnant.

It feels like most people have forgotten the struggle and trial we are facing. Some don’t understand and many haven’t ever tried to. Others have stopped caring. People have told me they feel awkward around me. Most don’t know how to talk to me regarding pregnancy related conversations. I have lost friends. I feel like a burden to those around me.

It seems to me that most people think that since we aren’t seeing doctors and pursuing fertility treatments, the desire to becoming parents isn’t a top priority to us. The desire is definitely there. All I want is to be mom. In fact, that desire started when I was very young. I always pictured getting married at a young age, followed by having lots of kids at a young age. Clearly, that didn’t happen.

Some days it’s hard to accept that I’m still waiting. It’s hard to feel like I don’t belong in the two groups surrounding me: the mom world and the infertility world. I can’t relate to either.

I know it’s not about me fitting in. It isn’t about the path everyone else is on either. It doesn’t matter that my journey to becoming a mom doesn’t make sense to most. It doesn’t matter that I feel left out. What matters is that I am obedient to God and what He has called us to do – even if it leaves me feeling like I don’t belong.

I have to remind myself that even though it’s often hard to relate to those around me, it doesn’t make my journey any less important. God is with me and even though I don’t understand what He is doing, I continue to trust that as He is good. He has called me out beyond the shore and into the waves. He will make me brave. Brave enough to realize it’s okay to feel alone. Brave enough to realize it’s okay to not belong. Brave enough to realize it’s ok that our path is different than most. Brave enough to keep believing and pressing forward even though it doesn’t make sense.

I know He is with me. He will provide. He will carry me. He will be there every step of the way. He knows my heart. He knows my pain. He is faithful. It doesn’t matter that I don’t fit in. It doesn’t matter that I’m not following the same path that most take. It doesn’t matter that I feel alone. What matters is that I know this truth – with Him I am never, ever alone. I will always belong to Him.