I Lost Myself
I know, I know...you are probably pissed right now. What was I thinking just leaving everything up in the air almost a month ago. So sorry. But yet again, my motivation to write is extremely low.
So back to the end of September. We decided to do IUI#5 - apparently because we are crazy!!! Anyways, I will make this short - it was the same story. Numbers were great. Follies didn't get any bigger than the last cycle - 19mm(largest) and sperm - post wash was 9 million. But on CD28, a not so welcome vistor came for a 4 day visit.
The night before just as I was getting ready for bed, I started spotting. Of course, I knew what was to follow. I was devasted to say the least. But I had this new found emotion that I had yet to witness. I was DONE!!! I've always wondered if I would have the strength and will power to just STOP or wondered if I would know when that time was - well there at 11pm in my dimly lit bathroom, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be "me" again (whatever may be left).
I sulked back to bed and cuddled up to my husband (who by the way was snoring) and told him that we were out for this cycle. I let him wake up a bit and then continued to tell him that I didn't want to do another IUI. I just felt like if it wasn't going to work 5 times before it wasn't going to work a 6th.
The next day was rough. I tried my hardest to not think about my decision. But to be honest, I felt completely at ease with the decision to stop "trying", like a pressure had been lifted. The part that I was struggling with the most was knowing that there is strong possibility of never being able to give our parents grandchildren or our friends play dates. And even now as I write that reality, it is breaking my heart.
IVF is our next option. It's a $15,000 committment and it seems so far out of reach. We are middle class working citizens who barely make it by as it is. How do people afford this? With IVF becoming more of a diagnosis for so many why can't insurance cover part of it. WHY?!?
We have decided to stop trying(medically) and just go back to the basics until the first of the year. During this time, I want to try and find myself again. I plan to get back in the gym and lose the TTC Weight, I want to focus on my marriage more. We are also talking about how to try and raise the money for IVF. I am applying for a grant specifically for IVF, we are looking into crowd funding, etc. If we don't raise the money, then I am not sure where to go from there. It is extremely hard for me to think about not EVER having a child of our own.
So for now, I am going to enjoy the moment that I am in and live in the present. Thank you for all the continued prayers and kind words. God Bless!
