The War of Infertility
Happy Friday!!! Today I am CD6, which means IUI #3 was yet another BFN!!! :( After much consideration, my husband and I have decided to do another IUI, this time instead of using Clomid, I am on Femara, which is the same type of medicine just different name. I am hoping that the side effects will not be as bad. Today I have been taking it for 3 days and the side effects aren't as bad as they were on Clomid. I am still getting hot flashes but they aren't as intense. I got for my CD11 ultrasound next week. I am hoping my follicles are the biggest yet.
I have been reflecting on the last 20 months of our journey and realized I have been waging a war. The war between hope and doubt. They both come rush into your life like a roller coaster and you have no control over them.
Hope is everytime I "feel" different after doing an IUI or timed intercourse, then doubt comes in and makes me think, "well maybe my lunch isn't settling right."
It feels like a neverending battle. Doubt tells me to give up and come to terms that maybe parenthood just isn't for us. Hope gives me the strength every month to "just do one more", no matter how much hell it puts me through physically, emotionally and financially. I am basically gambling - a roll of the dice - a pull of the handle - a flip of the cards!
This war is real. And I will bet that many others that are dealing with TTC have the same story. My question is, when is enough? When we can't afford it? - Newsflash - we can't afford it (no one can); When we don't have the strength to be let down anymore? When we loose faith? I don't know the answers - because every cycle doubt tells me that this is the last time and then when the cycle fails, hope comes back in and tells me, maybe this time will be your time.
I will leave you with this:
Come to Me when you are weak and weary. Rest snugly in My everlasting arms. I do not despise your weakness, My child. Actually, it draws Me closer to you, because weakness stirs up my compassion—My yearning to help. Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.
Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abudant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My Presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it.
